The Power of Self-Talk: Intentionally choose your words to shape your life

During COVID, I decided to train as a life coach. Personally and professionally, this was hands down the best decision I made. It changed my life in countless ways. The biggest shift and lesson I learned is that you can live a life filled with fulfillment by changing your thoughts. Essentially, how you think, creates how you feel.

Intentionally choosing how you talk to yourself supports connecting with others who positively influence you. In a nutshell, our inner dialogue plays a crucial role in shaping how we think, believe, and behave. As Mike Dooley from TUT (The Universe Talks) would say, "Words become things, choose the good ones."

Perhaps many of you reading this piece can relate. We want to speak to ourselves in ways that influences not only our self-image but also how we interact with others and the world around us. We see the benefits of this when we create positive connections with others. Life coaching taught me that what we say to ourselves, our inner dialogue, creates the foundation of our life experience.

I would like to point out that understanding how self-talk works is key. I believe that in understanding how our subconscious mind interprets the words, we can intentionally guide our lives toward where we want to be.

A woman meditates being mindful and intentional.

How Self-Talk Shapes Our Thoughts and Beliefs

Inner dialogue can be positive, negative or neutral. It is often an unconscious stream of thoughts we have about ourselves, others and our environment i.e. home, work.

While engaging in self-talk, our thoughts influence our beliefs, which in turn affect our actions and decisions. For example, if you constantly tell yourself, "I am not good enough," your brain begins to accept this as truth. The result? Your level of confidence could decrease and you may even be unwilling to take on new challenges.

All this information is stored in our long-term memory, in our subconscious mind. This part of the mind does not process language the way our conscious mind does. When we say, "I need to stop smoking," the subconscious hears "I need to smoking," focusing on the word "smoking" rather than the command to stop. This can make the harsh inner voice ineffective or even counterproductive.

The subconscious mind does not know if it is being helpful or harmful. It simply responds to commands. The power of self-talk is real.

Why Negative Directives Don’t Work

The subconscious mind operates on images and feelings rather than words. It responds best to clear, positive instructions and does not process negation the way the conscious mind does. Negative commands like "don't," "stop," or "can't" often get ignored or misunderstood because the mind focuses on the action mentioned, not the negation.

For example, telling yourself "I must not fail" still creates a mental image of failure. This can increase anxiety and reduce performance. Instead, framing your thoughts positively, such as "I will succeed," creates a clear goal for your subconscious to work toward.

How to Use Self-Talk Intentionally

For your self-talk to align with your goals, consider the following suggestions:

• Use positive language: Replace negative phrases with positive affirmations. Instead of "I need to stop procrastinating," say "I am focused and productive."

• Be specific: Clear and specific statements help your subconscious understand exactly what you want. For example, "I enjoy healthy foods that nourish my body" is more effective than "I want to eat better."

• Repeat routinely: Consistency helps reinforce new beliefs. According to Michael Beale, an NLP Trainer and Leadership Coach, treating your internal dialogue as a repeatable, structured routine makes it easier to build mental clarity. Repeat your positive affirmations daily, at specific times and during moments of doubt or stress.

• Visualize success: Pair your self-talk with mental images of achieving your goals. This strengthens the connection between your words and your subconscious mind.

• Monitor your inner dialogue: Notice your thoughts, without judgement, and gently change negative or unhelpful thought patterns when it arises.

  
  

Examples of the Power of Self-Talk

Consider someone trying to quit smoking. Instead of saying, "I need to stop smoking," they might say, "I am becoming healthier every day by choosing fresh air and clean living." This statement focuses on the positive outcome rather than the unwanted behavior. It also speaks out as if it is already happening.

Another example is a student preparing for exams. Instead of thinking, "I hope I don’t fail," they can say, "I am confident and prepared for my exams." This shifts the focus to confidence and readiness, which supports better performance.

A young couple communicating with loving connection.

The Impact of Self-Talk on Relationships

I have worked with many clients whose negative self-talk was a projection, onto them, from a family member or close relative, during childhood. Sometimes clients were aware of who the negative dialogue came from, while others were unaware. Regardless of memory, we can still unconsciously use critical language we endured and direct it towards others.

The goal is to not repeat what we grew up with that has been hurtful, damaging and unloving. By being intentional, noticing our positive inner dialogue, we can choose to be more patient, understanding, and open. Negative self-talk can create stress, defensiveness, and misunderstandings in relationships.

By cultivating kind and supportive self-talk, you build emotional resilience. This helps you respond to others with empathy and calmness, even in challenging situations.

Power of Self-Talk: Moving Forward with Intention

Changing your limiting beliefs takes time and practice, but the benefits are truly worth the efforts. Choosing words that align with your goals and values is a great starting place. This helps you create a mental environment that supports growth and well-being. Your subconscious mind becomes an ally in building the life you want.

Start by noticing your current self-talk patterns. As Theresa Racicot explains, challenging your inner critic begins with recognizing how often it shows up — and choosing a more supportive internal response. Gradually replace negative or unclear statements with positive, specific affirmations.

You can use visualization and repetition to strengthen these new beliefs. Imagine yourself with friends that listen to you with love and interest, see yourself working in an environment that is emotionally healthy, etc. Over time, you will notice changes in your confidence, behavior, and relationships.

If you are struggling to let go of certain negative comments, consider meditation or hypnotherapy. I believe that some patterns are very ingrained, the subconscious mind, does not know if it is being helpful or harmful. It simply responds to commands. This part of your mind's main job is to protect you. It doesn't realize that you find the thoughts 'unhelpful'.

Being intentional with positive self‑affirmations is a personal commitment to yourself and the people you love. Continuing this practice is a strategic and deeply worthwhile investment in your wellbeing. Support can come from many places — Neurolinguistic Programming, meditation, hypnotherapy, life coaching, therapy, and more. The key is simply to begin. You are worthy of an amazing life.

Sources: 

Michael Beale, NLP Mental Clarity, NLP Training (April 5, 2025) https://nlp-training.org/nlp-mental-clarity/

Mike Dooley, Thoughts Become Things, TUT https://www.tut.com/product/thoughts-become-things/

Theresa Racicot, Challenge Your Inner Critic, Reimagym (Feb 13, 2024) https://reimagym.com/wellness/challenge-your-inner-critic/